More Christian laughs

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,

"Good morning, Lord,"

and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,

"Good Lord, it's morning."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question,

"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?

A hand shot up in the air,

"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven...."

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church and the center of attention.

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,

"I know what the bible means!"

His father smiled and replied,

"What do you mean, you 'know' what the bible means?"

The son replied,

"I do know!"

"Okay," said his father, "what does the bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy,"

the young boy replied excitedly,

"It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered,

"Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said

"Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
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An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank You for this food which I am about to receive. Amen."

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Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

True Stories …...

A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three year old boy began in all seriousness: “Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name? And another four-year-old prayed: “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

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A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

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Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often “adopted” by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut. Commander, kind-of became an Uncle to the family’s only 4 year old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke. This same little girl, was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, “Oh, that’s Pontius, the pilot.”

You didn’t believe in me

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!” 

When We Get What We Pray For

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed. “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late. Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late” .... at that moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty.

She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…but DON’T SHOVE me anymore!”

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said,

"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played,

"The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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